The Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee
by RavenclaWriteRules
Summary: Following this tumblr prompt: "I need a mockumentary in the style of Parks & Rec about the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee sitting around a table brainstorming excuses as a floating quill and roll of parchment record everything. The Muggleborns on the committee constantly look into the camera like they're on The Office." Except unfortunately for you, I only watch Brooklyn Nine Nine.


**Following _this_ prompt from tumblr:**

 _ **I need a mockumentary in the style of Parks & Rec about the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee sitting around a table brainstorming excuses as a floating quill and roll of parchment record everything. The Muggleborns on the committee constantly look into the camera like they're on The Office.**_

 **Unfortunately I've never seen either of those shows (though I do get the gist of what was discussed) so, you're just going to have to settle for Brooklyn Nine Nine.**

 **IT'S A GOOD FUCKING SHOW OKAY DON'T JUDGE.**

* * *

 _(A young man walks in, carrying a handful of papers. He is wearing, inexplicably, long wizard robes on top of a hoodie on top of a plaid polo shirt with a tie. Nobody notices at first, but he is also wearing socks and Crocs on his feet and shuffling awkwardly, hoping to keep this camouflaged by the long wizard robes.)_

Jake Peralta: Alright, guysssss...so... ( _He clears his throat_ ) Don't freak out, buuuut...

 _(Immediately, his good older friend Charles Boyle looks up. A little socially awkward and nervous, he nonetheless has a good heart and is quick to join in on his younger friend's antics. His robes are actually a nightgown he hastily purchased from Macy's in the women's section, but he loves them nonetheless.)_

Charles Boyle: Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess - did someone turn into a giant woman?

Jake: What? No! Buuut...

 _(Rosa Diaz, the office cool person, looks up gruffly and impatiently puffs a strand of curly, dark hair out of her eyes. She crosses her leather-clad arms menacingly and props a high-heeled boot on the table, adjusting the brim of her matching leather witch hat.)_

Rosa Diaz: Be quiet. It's obvious. ( _She juts her chin out meaningfully and glares at Jake_.) Someone opened a portal to hell and now all those snotty little brats at the playground are trying to pet Fluffy.

Jake: Um, no, very imaginative but not the case...

Amy Santiago: Ooh! ( _She stands up enthusiastically and her delicate frame practically shakes with enthusiasm. Amy, the other Latina member of the task force besides Rosa, is dressed impeccably in Muggle-appropriate casual business attire and eager to pounce on any opportunity for extra credit, despite the fact her academy days are far behind her. Even now, she still has a competitive nature ingrained in her due to an upbringing with seven older brothers, however despite what she may try to persuade herself, she is inherently a goody-goody two shoes.)_ A new species of unicorn was just discovered, and it's up to us to find it before El Crapo does and starts selling its blood to junkies!

( _Silence_ )

Jake: ( _Feigning a sad face_ ) Nooope, sorry Amy. ( _He then brightens at the fact that she was wrong, just like the others)_ Actually-

Captain Holt: PERALTA.

 _(All heads swivel immediately as the Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt - more commonly known by his Muggle codename, Captain Raymond Holt - strides into the room grandiosely. He himself does not wear any fancy clothing, merely his undercover Muggle police uniform underneath a simple navy blue robe. However, his mere presence commands respect.)_

Jake: ( _Unaffected by his stern expression_ ) Yes, sir?

Captain Holt: I beg your pardon, but I must ask you a question.

Jake: Whaaaat questionnnn? ( _He drags out the syllable much longer than it should be. Captain Holt frowns then opens his mouth to answer._ ) Is it the portal to hell that I opened in Boyle's wastebasket? Because that was the best prank of my life and I regret nothing.

Boyle: ( _Laughing nervousl_ y) Oh, so that was where that came from...

Captain Holt: Until now I was unaware of that brilliant plan of yours...

Jake: ( _Hissing triumphantly at Amy, who scowls back_ ) He called it _brilliant!_

Captain Holt: ...But now, I would rather address a more serious transgression on your part.

 _(In the back, secretary Gina Linetti makes an audible stage gasp. She is clearly most into the whole witchy robes concept, as she is dressed from head to toe in fabulous, velveteen robes and a matching hat with rather large rhinestones spangling it.)_

Captain Holt: ( _In a low, indignant voice_ ) How dare you wear socks and foam clogs _in my office_.

( _In shock, everyone turns and looks down at Jake's feet, immediately noticing his footwear. Jake laughs nervously and grumpily tries to cover them up.)_

Captain Holt: You thought you could hide them by choosing to wear your robes today. ( _Pause_ ) But nothing passes under my radar, Peralta. Mark my words. _Nothing_.

Jake: ( _Breathing in then speaking rapid fire_ ) Except for the portal to Guantanamo Bay in your paper waste bin.

Captain Holt: ( _Furious_ ) I beg pardon!

Jake: ( _Pumping a fist_ ) Worth iiiiiiiit...

 _(Cold open over. The theme song now plays.)_

* * *

Rosa: ( _Deadpan_ ) So, according to your report, a school of Muggleborn children watched their teacher expand like a balloon and take flight until she was mistaken as a parade float at Brooklyn Pride 2017...

Boyle: ( _Pumping fist_ ) Yes! Giant woman, called it!

 _(Rosa glares at him judgmentally. He falters and lowers his enthusiasm.)_

Captain Holt: Dear me.

Amy: ( _Optimistically_ ) Well, at least we can pass off the float as an elaborate prank, that should be easy...the Obliviators are already on the task, yes?

Jake: In-deed. I should be getting a report from our man, Doug, aaaaanytime now.

Captain Holt: Really.

Jake: Yuuup. Aaaaanytime.

Amy: ( _Frowning_ ) You're not drawing out your words to stall for him, are you?

Jake: Nooooo I am noooot, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamy.

 _(Amy scowls)_

Jake: In fact, I know that he's going to answer. And right now. ( _He turns towards the fireplace_ ) Abracadabra!

 _(Doug Judy, also known as the infamous but pardoned Ford Anglia bandit, chooses this moment to Floo in)_

Doug: Geez, man! Don't do that! I almost thought you were trying to kill me!

Jake: Sorrrrry. Ahem. (H _e turns to Holt_ ) Question him aaaaall you like.

Rosa: He's here, you can stop stalling for him.

Jake: Right.

Captain Holt: ( _Raising an eyebrow, giving off his most imposing expression)_ Well?

Doug: ( _Clearing his throat_ ) Obliviation successful, sir. They all convinced themselves that they engineered the parade float on their own.

Captain Holt: Yes. But why would a group of schoolchildren in the New York public school system choose to create a screaming, disturbingly realistic parade float of their teacher?

Doug: Welllllll...

Captain Holt: If this continues I will start giving everyone a time limit and minimum word count to respond to my questions.

Amy: ( _Piping up_ ) Yes, sir!

Jake: What, are you an English teacher, now?

Captain Holt: Peralta, that's seven words over. ( _Jake tries to count how many words he just said and fails_.) You were saying?

Doug: I...err, they are Brooklyn kids after all.

 _(Captain Holt does not look satisfied with his response.)_

Doug: Look, I was rushing out of the bathroom when my associate asked me which excuse to use, and I was in a hurry-

Captain Holt: You should have called us. ( _Turning around_ ) Peralta? Did you not call a meeting to come up with explanations when requested?

Jake: I didn't do it. ( _Pause_ ) I mean, he didn't call me.

Captain Holt: Right. He should have called my secretary to contact me. I still suspect you of sabotage. _(Jake looks offended)_ Gina!

Gina: ( _Waking up and pushing aside bags of junk food_ ) Yessss...?

Captain Holt: Firstly, anyone who choose to stretch out a single syllable word past three seconds will automatically be relegated to janitorial duties. Without use of magic. Secondly, did you receive any calls from Mr. Judy here?

Gina: Hmmmm, let me think...

Captain Holt: Santiago, you may fetch the toilet plunger from storage. _(Amy quickly nods with enthusiasm and runs off)_

Jake: Why do we even need to know how to use those things?

Captain Holt: If you lost your wand for one week, Peralta, you would not survive this cruel and harsh world.

Jake: What? No, I totally would!

Captain Holt: Gina.

Gina: Okaaaay, so he miiight have called me, buuut I was super busy. See, you won't let me have any cable, so instead I have to resort to Netflix-

Captain Holt: Invalid excuse. Please join Santiago in the toilets.

Gina: Oo, yay, I love to watch.

Captain Holt: That wasn't the point. ( _Pause_ ) Now, I want all of you to come up with at least one decent excuse for this debacle, or I'm going to send you to the Centaur Liaison Office.

Boyle: Yesss! I've always wanted to meet a real centaur!

Rosa: ( _Bluntly_ ) You're going to fire us?

Captain Holt: ( _Equally blunt_ ) Yes.

Jake: ( _Scoffing_ ) Please, he says the same thing to me every Saturday over breakfast. And I still have a job!

Amy: ( _Having returned with the toilet plunger, looking betrayed_ ) You get to eat breakfast with Minister Shacklebolt every Saturday?

 _(Jake turns around to gloat, but Captain Holt silences him.)_

Captain Holt: You have five minutes. Get to work, or I will be writing each and every one of you a pink slip.

( _Silence_ )

Captain Holt: It is an expression for a note of dismissal.

Everyone: Ohhhhh.


End file.
